Well, I have really been putting off writing this post.

We got a BFP from this last transfer! My official test day was April 1, and my hCG level was 1,168! It was very exciting!

First, Bobby and I were really hesitant about sharing right away. However, I can’t lie when people come up to me and ask. Since I have been so open throughout this whole journey, it felt wrong if someone asked me about my blood test to not be totally honest to them.

 

While we are obviously over-the-top excited for this positive test, this journey makes it very hard to be excited all of the time. I literally check for blood EVERY TIME I use the bathroom. I am always on edge.

Then, at just over 5 weeks, we had a really terrible scare. On Sunday, April 7th, I started GUSHING giant clots of blood. I cried. I called my doctor, and they told me not to bother with the ER because I’d be there all night and probably wouldn’t get answers. So, I spent that night convinced that the journey was over when it had just started.

Honestly, by the time I got to my doctor’s office on Monday morning, I wasn’t even sad anymore. I just wanted to confirm it and figure out when the next steps were. It was so early, and I hadn’t gotten attached or too excited yet.

However, by a miracle – the baby was still there. They checked my hCG levels again, and they had raised to 11,245! I honestly don’t understand what happened, and to be honest, my doctors aren’t 100% sure either. The next time I went back for an ultrasound, the bleeding was all gone and everything looked perfect. Since then, everything has looked great at the appointments I’ve had, too.

 

Just because everything has been looking great, doesn’t stop me from being so worried all the time. I truly don’t think I will be really excited until I am holding my baby in my arms. Even though we are doing so much this time to prevent early labor (a cerclage and weekly progesterone injections), I am still terrified.

There are so many terrible stories that I have heard, and I truly hurt for all of you that have dealt with the losses. The chemical pregnancies, not finding the heartbeat (after everything looked great), the stillborn babies, all of it! There is so much about this journey that is truly terrifying.

 

I remember the anger and jealousy I felt each time someone wrote one of these posts. Even people that have experienced loss and struggle. It’s just so hard not to feel jealous when someone else is pregnant and you aren’t. However, now that I am pregnant, I just want these next 7 1/2 months to speed by so I can have my baby in my arms.

I think of all of you that struggle with this terrible journey all the time. I know that one day we will all get to hold our beautiful babies.

Stay positive!

xoxo