For this post, I asked a lot of people the craziest things they’ve heard when they struggled with infertility, miscarriages, loss, etc.

The crazy thing about this topic is how people so rarely talk about it. Since I have started this whole process, I have found out that so many people I know have either experienced struggles with trying for a baby or with loss. For some reason, though, we don’t talk about it. That kind of blows my mind.

I am certainly not a very extroverted person, but I can’t imagine having no one to talk to that is in a similar situation. I also can’t imagine my friends and family having no idea what I’m going through. However, if you don’t want everyone to know, obviously that is your choice and more power to you – whatever helps make this process more bearable! 🙂

Anyway, I personally think (I could be wrong here), that a lot of the reason people hear such STUPID stuff when they are struggling with fertility, is because it isn’t talked about enough. The general public that hasn’t had to deal with this has no idea what it is really like. I know that before I started going through it, I had no idea. My family and friends had no idea, either. They know now, because I have told them pretty much every detail of this process. (Again, totally my choice – you do you haha!)

Overall, though, a lot of the world has no idea what to say to someone going through this. So, you almost can’t blame people for saying some really dumb stuff. The majority of those people truly don’t know any better. So what I’ve decided to first do is make a list of things that people have heard (including me and not including me) that are really annoying to say to someone that is dealing with infertility.

 

Things you probably shouldn’t say:

“As soon as you stop worrying and trying, it will happen.”  

I cannot stress enough how much this one irritates EVERYONE. I am happy to hear that your sister’s cousin’s friend stopped trying and then suddenly got pregnant – however, for people that have done several rounds of fertility treatments this is not what we want to hear. Now I know there is absolutely some truth to stress directly impacting your body’s ability to get pregnant. It is proven that if you are under a lot of stress, it is less likely to work. However, I can’t just “turn off” my stress. I also can’t just “stop trying” and hope it happens. My body has been diagnosed as very unlikely to get pregnant without fertility treatments. That is not to say that it could never happen, because it is very slightly possible. But let me tell you – I don’t really want to “stop trying” and find out if it happens. Anyway, I could go on and on about how this one bothers me, but you get it by now!

“At least…”

Now just fill in the blank.

“At least you know you can get pregnant.”

“At least you are still young.”

(For people with a child/children already) “At least you have one;” OR “At least you have one boy and one girl, why would you want anymore?” (actually said to one of my coworkers).

“At least you have a supportive spouse.”

It goes on and on. Let me tell you, if you are starting a sentence with “at least,” chances are it’s not a good thing to say. Yes I know you are trying to help us focus on ANYTHING positive that you can think of; but when you start with “at least” we are only focusing on the negative part you are trying to cover up. Not to mention, it feels like you a minimizing the terrible thing we are dealing with.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

In the past, this is totally something I’ve said tons of times. In fact, deep down I still really think it’s probably true. However, saying that is NOT helping anyone feel better. All it is doing is making us obsess over what the reason could possibly be. It seems so unfair that people can get pregnant on accident and have children they don’t even care about, but this is happening to me “for a reason.” I just can’t possibly buy that, I’m sorry.

“Have you tried…?”

Here’s the thing about this one, if you aren’t infertile – don’t tell me what I should try. Just because your distant relative was infertile and totally changed her diet and then got pregnant, doesn’t mean it would work for everyone. Not to mention, it could have been a total coincidence. There are definitely things out there that other people going through these treatments have recommended to me, and I see no harm in that – as they are doing what I’m doing too. However, if you have never had any trouble conceiving and keeping your babies, I don’t really want to hear about what you think I should try. Eating certain foods won’t make me have a miscarriage – and to be totally honest, I don’t think that 16 year old that got pregnant on accident was “clean eating.” I’m not saying all of that stuff isn’t worth a try, but it isn’t going to be the reason I get (and stay) pregnant.

“Have you considered adoption?”

Don’t get me wrong, adoption is AMAZING and I am not going to sit here and say I would never adopt, because I have no idea what the future holds. However, the feeling of wanting a child that is a perfect mix of you and your spouse is totally justified. Unless someone brings up to you that they are thinking about adoption, don’t ask if we’ve considered it. Of course we have thought about it, but if that isn’t what we’ve always hoped and dreamed of – we don’t want to think about it right now.

“Oh wow, at your age?!”

This one doesn’t relate directly to me – but I know a few people who have heard this. Just because someone isn’t 25 and young and newly married, doesn’t mean they got pregnant “on accident” or that they don’t deserve a baby. There are plenty of people who struggle for years and tell almost no one. When they finally get pregnant (even if it isn’t their first child) you don’t need to make a comment about if it was planned, or if they shouldn’t do that because they are “too old.” You have no idea what they went through to have this baby, so instead just congratulate them.

 

What you can say instead:

“I’m hear for you if you need me.”

“I’m thinking of you.”

“I love you.”

“You are amazing.”

“You can talk to me anytime.” (and then actually listen!)

“I know, this totally sucks.”

Honestly, most people dealing with this will share the things they are feeling and going through if you are close with them and if you ask them. All you really need to do is listen to them and be there for them. It’s okay if you can’t say anything to fix it. There isn’t really anything you can say to fix it – and that is okay! It is more important to be there for the person and listen to them completely.

Also, I didn’t write the things you “shouldn’t say” to put down anyone who has said those things. In all honesty – most people don’t even realize how annoying those things are. Plus – most people dealing with infertility don’t “call them out” on being annoying, because we know the person is trying to help.

 

I’m sure there are other things I could add, if anyone reading this has one they can’t stand hearing, feel free to comment about it!

Thank you to everyone that totally supports me! xoxo