Hi all!
Hopefully you all aren’t losing your mind too much during this quarantine. This time inspired me to write this post, but I’ve been putting it off. What really inspired me was hearing from someone I went to college with who has also experienced loss. After hearing from her, I spent a lot of time thinking about how parenting is going. While this person hasn’t gotten their rainbow yet, it made me think about what being a parent to a rainbow is really like. After thinking about it, I decided I could write a full post about this.

Losing a child is most definitely one of the hardest things a person can experience. I won’t go into too much detail, but holding your baby and knowing there is nothing you can do to bring them back or save them is incredibly awful.
Now because of this, any parent who has endured that terrible, terrible feeling (probably) thinks that they CONSTANTLY have to be grateful and overjoyed about their rainbow baby.

There are a few problems with that mentality.
1. Postpartum depression – I was lucky enough not to deal with this really, but many, many women do. If someone is experiencing any postpartum after their rainbow, they are definitely going to struggle with feeling grateful and overjoyed for their baby….and that is okay! Just try to recognize this so you can do what you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

2. We. Are. Human.
Guess what? Babies are incredibly exhausting. (haha – shocking right?)

I remember seeing and hearing people complain about being sleep deprived, struggling to get their baby to sleep, struggling with teething, etc. and being sooooo jealous. That is all I wanted. Don’t get me wrong, it is still all I want.

However, something about losing a child plus having infertility makes you think you shouldn’t ever feel frustrated about the natural struggles of parenting. It is one-hundred percent okay (and also totally normal) to complain about how hard parenting is! It doesn’t mean you love your baby any less or don’t appreciate what you have. Trust me, I literally wake up every single day so incredibly grateful that we are so blessed with our beautiful rainbow girl. But there are still days (like yesterday) when she is fussy and a terrible napper, that make me envy the people that are quarantined without children – haha!

Now, on the opposite end of things, there is one more struggle with parenting after loss. Fear.
I am also CONSTANTLY in fear of losing my baby. I mentioned when I was pregnant that I couldn’t truly be excited until I was holding my baby because there is really no such thing as a “safe mark” in pregnancy. However, Brooklynn will be 5 months old next week (crazy) and I still have moments where I get scared and check that she’s breathing when she’s sleeping. I still get scared that she’ll roll over and not be able to breathe in her crib. I still get scared when I leave her in the living room with her toys so I can go to the bathroom that something will happen to her. This isn’t a crippling fear by any means, and it is certainly not even a constant or even an every day thing. But it’s there.

Experiencing infertility and loss honestly just changes you and makes these things pop up randomly all the time.

I honestly decided to write this quick post because right now anyone who is a parent is ready for a break. I was feeling bad saying and thinking that (because of that guilt I mentioned before); but it is okay! Parenting is hard and it is a constant job. I know we are all looking forward to getting a babysitter and going out for a few hours. Hopefully things improve soon and we can, but in the meantime, stay home and stay safe to keep your beautiful babies safe.
If you’re still waiting for your rainbow, keep yourself and your family safe so you can get your baby soon!

xoxo