Well, it has been almost six full months since I wrote a post. To be honest, I haven’t been motivated to write on my blog anymore. I feel bad because I even started turning my blog into a book and had decided I was going to work hard to publish a full book about infertility and my journey; but I lost all motivation for a while.

Honestly, I kept telling myself I would update when I had something worthwhile to share. But here we are six months since I was cleared from my miscarriage, and I still have nothing but bad news.

Tonight, though, I am in a real funk about infertility and life in general so writing a blog post seemed like a good idea. First, let me update you all on what has been going on.

As I mentioned so long ago in my last post, I did end up finally having a transfer on February 15, 2021. I was cautiously hopeful. However, instead of a positive pregnancy test, I ended up with a positive COVID test that round. While I was relieved not to worry about being newly pregnant and having covid, it was still very frustrating. to get another negative. (Also, I was very lucky to end up with pretty much no symptoms – I only knew I had it because I lost my sense of smell.)

Once things settled with that mess, we got ready to try again. My 6th FET was April 14, 2021. I went into that transfer very hopeful and optimistic. I even told the doctor that did my transfer that day, “thanks for getting me pregnant!” as he left the room. I told myself over and over “I will have a baby in December.” (When I would’ve been due from that one). As I pretty much always do now, I started testing at home about 4-5 days after my transfer that round. At first, there was nothing. But after about 5 or 6 days we started to see a line! I sent pictures to multiple friends too to confirm, and although it was light, they saw it too! However, by about 8 days after my transfer, the line wasn’t getting any darker – in fact it may have even been lighter. I immediately told my husband that I knew something was wrong. By 11 days after (the night before my beta pregnancy test), the positive line was gone. This means that I had what is called a chemical pregnancy. The embryo did implant and start releasing the pregnancy hormone (that’s why I saw a positive result), but it didn’t continue growing or do what it should after it implanted. This caused it to pretty quickly detach. By the time I went for my blood draw 12 days after the transfer (pregnancy test), my hcg level was at 0. Frustrating and heartbreaking, but my silver lining was that I didn’t have to wait for it to get to 0 to try again.

So, we prepped for another round. I told my doctor and my nurse that I was starting to feel like I was totally crazy. The definition of insanity is literally doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That feels a whole lot like what we are doing. However, they reassured me that we are doing everything we can and that it should work soon. I tried to stay positive as we decided to add in an extra day of meds. That transfer was June 11, 2021.

The results of that one? Another stark white very very negative test. When I tell you I felt defeated, that doesn’t even cover it. My ultrasound tech had told me that my uterus looked beautiful and ready for transfer. The embryologist in the lab that day told me they were all fawning over my embryo because it was so perfect looking. But nothing. Not even a hint of sticking.

Even my nurse calling me to confirm what I already knew sounded defeated. She apologized and told me so many times that she doesn’t understand why it isn’t working and how frustrated she was feeling with me. Considering I’ve been a patient at Shady Grove since 2017, at this point all of the employees that I deal with are sort of on this ride with me too. I will say, I do absolutely love them and I am so lucky to have a great team behind me.

So, here I sit on June 27, gearing up for another round. This time we are adding that extra day of meds in again, but we are also adding baby aspirin and prednisone to my lists of medicines to be on. This is all fine to me, in fact I even asked if there was more medicine I would take.

This morning I went to my first appointment to make sure I am clear to get things started. The ultrasound looked great, but since my nurse let me jump into this cycle so quick, my bloodwork wasn’t 100% where they want me. After 4 phone calls this evening, we finally decided that I will go back again tomorrow morning to repeat the bloodwork and see how things look to hopefully get started. My transfer is set for sometime mid to late July. Not set in stone yet as they have to wait until how things look tomorrow, etc.

Here’s the problem with all of this. I am so so tired of this. I feel so conflicted. I want to give up and just say – fine we will only have one child. But then I absolutely want her to have a sibling if I can give her one, so giving up is really not an option. I feel like taking a break would be kind of nice (and trust me plenty of people have suggested that to me – not that I asked for their opinion….but anywayyyy they are trying to help so I need to get over it). But taking a break is not an option to me either because I know I would spend the entire “break” stressing that I am wasting another month of trying.

It basically all leads back to the timeline that I didn’t get to have that I wanted.

I wanted kids right after I got married in 2016. Didn’t get Brooklynn until December 2019.

I wanted my kids to be really close in age. I almost got that, but then I had a miscarriage.

I wanted two kids (at least). I haven’t gotten that (yet).

I am tired of this. I am tired of seeing so many ungrateful mothers in the world, not realizing or appreciating the gift they have. I am tired of seeing pregnancy announcements. I am tired of people getting pregnant easily or on accident when they weren’t even trying. I am tired of stabbing needles into my body until I am welted. I am tired of driving back and forth over and over again for appointments and transfers. I am tired.

I honestly don’t know what I will do if this transfer in July doesn’t work. The real catch – if it does work – then begins the terrible terrible anxiety and fear that comes with being pregnant.

If you made it this far – please say a prayer, cross all of your fingers and toes, and keep us on your heart and we gear up for another cycle. This has GOT to be the one.

xoxo