Hey everyone!

Tonight I decided to write about the biggest part of infertility: playing the waiting game.

If you are reading this and you’ve had any struggles with infertility, you know what I’m talking about. EVERYTHING takes FOREVER when you are infertile.

Fun fact about me (if you didn’t already know this): I am incredibly impatient. People always say that to be a teacher you have to be “so patient.” I can tell you, they are wrong. I know for a fact that I am terribly impatient. The only reason I can deal with teaching is because I am kind to my students and I care about them. (That doesn’t mean I am patient all the time though! :))

My whole life, when I wanted something, I wanted it right away. Now, of course, it hasn’t always happened that way. When I was young, my parents were just strict enough so I wouldn’t get that “only child” entitlement. I’m sure it drove me crazy as a kid, but I am very grateful for it now. In fact, practically from the time I could talk I BEGGED my parents for a dog; we got a dog my senior year of high school. So needless to say, I didn’t always get everything I wanted!

As an adult, I told Bobby the date I wanted to get married about 3 years before that date (May 13, 2016) – that’s the day we got married. (For the record, it has a real meaning behind it, but I still planned it and got it – haha!) I also have spent my entire adult life “planning” my future. How long we will live in a certain place, how long I will work at the school I am at, and of course; how many children we will have (and when we’d have them). I remember telling a coworker in October 2015; “by next year at this time, I will hopefully be pregnant.” That was my plan.

Infertility takes all of your plans and throws them out the window, into the dumpster, and drives them to the dump on the other side of the country! 

Anyway, as I sit here now in March 2019 still not pregnant, I will tell you that the hardest part has been waiting for it to happen. Even when we were trying on our own, I knew that it doesn’t always happen right away and that frustrated me! I wanted to be able to choose the month I would get pregnant, and it would happen! Obviously, I knew that wasn’t reality – but like I said, I’m all about instant gratification.

Even when I got pregnant with Scarlett, I remember telling Bobby how frustrating it was to have to wait 10 full months before we got her. Then, in the hospital after she was born, I was SOOOOO angry knowing this set us back even more with the waiting!

When I returned to work at the end of September, I told myself it would be okay because I would be pregnant by November or December. I told myself I would have a baby by this summer.

I have since learned that I need to stop trying to plan that. I can’t decide when I am going to get pregnant, and unfortunately no matter how much I picture it and plan it, I can only do so much to control it. (Which by the way, is basically nothing.)

Then, the even crazier part is that even when you are in the middle of fertility treatments (as I am right now), things still happen that make you wait. Something gets weird with your cycle, an appointment gets messed up, etc. Seeing as fertility treatments are so incredibly scientific, if ANYTHING is even slightly off, it changes the whole course of your treatment.

Now here’s how I cope with this…

I think about the age differences between me and some of my friends, family, even my husband and I. So, if things have to be moved, I tell myself that getting my treatment pushed back a few days simply means my baby’s due date will be a few days later than it would’ve been. (That is, if it works).

I was even angry and a little annoyed last month when we skipped a transfer and did all of the testing. I was annoyed that we wasted a month just to find out all the tests came back great, so they don’t know why the last transfers didn’t work. But then I reminded myself that a due date one month later isn’t the end of the world.

Whenever I get angry and think about how I am supposed to have a baby right now, I remind myself that this new baby will only be born about a year after Scarlett was supposed to be born. In the grand scheme of things, a one year difference is honestly hardly anything. Yes, of course I will always wish I had Scarlett; but if she has a little brother or sister that is born a year to a year-and-a-half later than she was supposed to be born, it’s honestly okay.

So, yes, it is very annoying to spend YEARS of your life saying, “okay, there’s always next month.” (Because it has literally been years of that for me and my husband).

However, no matter how annoying it is – there really is always next month. And here’s the thing; one of these months is going to be the month. And 10 months from that is going to be the best month of our lives. 

We just have to hold on a little longer, and play the waiting game a little longer.

 

Thanks, as always, for reading! Keep thinking, praying, and sending us all the good vibes 🙂

xoxo