As of my last post, you all are pretty much up to speed with where we are in our fertility treatments right now. So, for the next few posts I’m going to write some general stuff that I think people going through this feel too. Tonight, I’ve decided to tackle my two biggest thoughts that come with infertility.

First, I’m going to talk about the question that anyone who has REALLY struggled with something totally understands: “why me?”

Now, I don’t mean that feeling you get when you are “having a bad day.” Like when you spill your coffee, sit in traffic, deal with an annoying/rude coworker, etc. and you think, “This day sucks, why me?” I mean the feeling when you really, truly are feeling punished for what is happening to you. When that “why me” feeling is all-consuming. I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve spent DAYS thinking about this.

“Is it because I was so ungrateful for so many things in my life?”

“Is it because I did something hurtful to someone years ago and now I’m being punished?” (for the record, I have no idea if I hurt someone badly when I was younger – so I imagine this is a totally made up idea in my head)

“Is it because I haven’t had faith?”

“Is it because I’ve never had to struggle for anything I’ve wanted, and now God is teaching me a lesson?”

This list could go on and on. The truth is, no one really knows “why” any of this really happens. I have definitely gotten angry at God too; questioned His existence. Now, I’m not going to make this post about religion, but I will say if you believe in ANY higher power, the best thing you can do in this kind of situation is pray. Pray to whatever you believe in. This doesn’t need to be made a big “thing” where you kneel next to your bed every night. I pray when I’m driving, I pray when I’m trying to fall asleep, I pray in the waiting room of my doctor’s office, and I pray during my planning time at school. I am still waiting for the answer to my prayers, but let me tell you; it makes me feel better when I do it. Maybe it’s not for you, but even if you just beg out loud to SOMETHING about what you want, it makes you feel better to just get that begging out.

 

The second thing is way bigger for me honestly. I can get past the “why me” problem by simply saying there’s no way of knowing why, and knowing that harboring over it only makes me crazier. This is about my guilt I feel about my husband.

When we first went to the fertility doctor and did all that testing, as I mentioned way back in my first post, we found about that Bobby is totally fertile and normal. Before I knew we would struggle so much, this didn’t bother me too much. However, now that we have been trying for over 2 years, and seeing a fertility specialist for over a full year and we still have no baby; it eats me alive.

All I can think about is how if he married ANYONE else, he’d probably be a father by now. The one and only time I mentioned this to him, he replied, “Good thing I didn’t only marry you to have babies with you.”

While that is a great answer on his part, I can’t help but feeling like I have let him down. I totally understand why infertility puts a strain on marriages. I feel so badly that I am not able to get pregnant (or stay pregnant), and there is absolutely nothing he can do about it. (Aside from being supportive).

His response to this is always that he wishes he could do something, and he hates that he can’t do anything just as much as I feel guilty about it.

Fortunately, I actually think that this terrible struggle (and the loss of Scarlett), has made our marriage stronger than ever. I know this is not the case for everyone, and trust me – I am not saying this to brag. In fact, I have decided that one reason we lost Scarlett was to prove that our marriage is so strong, and to bring us closer than ever.

Now, don’t get me wrong, we are still very much like everyone else that’s married; we bicker, we FIGHT, we have days where we get sick of each other. However, we love each other hard too. The only way your marriage will survive this is though loving each other as hard as possible. Even when you are so annoyed with your spouse that the sound of them breathing is driving you insane (haha!) – you have to remember that this person is the person that is going through this with you. If you stick together as a team, you will be so much stronger.